I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
nutella sex= disaster
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
