My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
