Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
