u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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