Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
