If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
