Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
