he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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