The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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