i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
