So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
