On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
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