Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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