i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
