Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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