Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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