pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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