You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
