if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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