just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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