i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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