Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
