maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
