my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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