Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
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