Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
