the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
