I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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