So drunk, too bad you don't want this
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
