I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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