I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
