i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
