The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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