Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
