Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
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