There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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