I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
her vagine was all disorganized.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Vodka?
Forever.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
