hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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