Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
