new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
