u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
