i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize