Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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