I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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