She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
