Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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