Yo dont text me then not text me
this beer tastes like vomit already
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
