Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
