Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
