She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
